Taking a breather

January was a full on month, February started out that way as well. A neighbour and his wife, a lovely old couple who are like parents to me are both in hospital. I have been looking after their dog and house. I do it because, well I just do it, for no reason other than following the golden rule. Today my beautiful friend took a turn for the worse, I recognised the signs of a tired body shutting down, a soul ready for its next journey, I held his hand and calmed him down while the nurses took tests and prodded and probed.  A very young doctor totally unused to the situation told me his heart was failing. This wonderful man who cared for his wife who has dementia, this wonderful who loves his family so much he didn't tell (or let me tell) them that he was in hospital, he didn't want to worry them. His daughter came up to see him yesterday and I told her I would keep her informed, today I had to phone up and tell her that she should get back as soon as possible and to get in touch with her brother.
I have been running back and forth to the hospital, looking after his things, preparing both our houses for cyclones and now I am tired, oh so tired. I'm afraid after I left the hospital I cracked, I found I had left the daughters phone number at home so I was going to rush home and get it, only to find I had left my car lights on so I had a flat battery, looking for my phone I realised I had left it by the computer. The public phone chewed up all my money and I was unable to phone my son. I asked a young man if he could jump start my car but he didn't have jump leads.  Last week I threw the old jump leads in the back of the car thinking one day I might need them.  So he started me up and I took off home, after I had made the calls, I phoned a friend and she asked if I was all right and I just fell to pieces.  Then my son phoned and that was it.  I certainly feel a lot better for getting rid of it all and feel I cope now.  My friend drove me back to the hospital because I didn't want Albert to be on his own.  I held his hand for a while and talked utter rubbish as you do.  He seemed to be sleeping so while the nurses did some more tests my son and I went for a coffee.  When we got back the daughter was there so I felt my job was done, I could take a step back.  His grandson is on his way up and the son is trying to get a flight down from Weipa.
Peg the wife is so ill on another ward, her body is being assaulted by infection after infection, she kept apologsing for not recognising me or knowing who I was.  My only hope is that when Al goes Peg will be close behind him, horrible I know for the family but they have just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and they have been inseparable. He sings romantic songs to her and tells her she still looks sexy to him. They argue over silly things and then kiss and make up.  She was 16 and he was 19 when they married in LOndon. They came to australia for a new life, both chefs working at top hotels, till they had their own restaurant.  He was also a french polisher and I have a beautiful coffee table he made me one christmas.  One christmas he made me a sentry box about 19 iches high painted blue, when I opened it it had a very cheeky looking garden gnome in it and 'Al' has guarded the front door for many years.  Funny thing, it was the one thing I forgot to take in from outside when the cyclone hit.  It hadn't even moved slightly despite a bush next to it being damaged.
Enough waffling, this isn't really for anyone else to read though if you do I would appreciate you say a little prayer for my friends and their family. This is my way of releasing grief, releasing some feelings I thought I had got rid of, releasing some memories of a time before when the grief belonged to me and mine.

update

Our area up in the mountains came through okay, not so on the coast - Innisfail, Tully, Cardwell and Ingham, all the small communities surrounding them as well.  Hundreds of houses smashed to pieces. One death due to fumes from a generator being used in the house. The resort at Dunk Island totally destroyed.  The devastation is immense. The area Yasi covered was unbelievable. Its affects are still being felt by weather systems all over the country. Victoria now has floods. 
It was scary, but I have been through scarier. My gut feeling told me I would be safe.  We were prepared to use the bathroom as our saferoom but I fell asleep around 3 a.m. in my chair, woke at 5 and it was still blowing. Not much damage, the roof and windows held, a couple of trees down that fell away from the house.  A lot of areas are still without power, a friend comes over for showers and to charge her phone and computer batteries.  The roads are flooded on the coast thanks to the tidal surge (thats what caused a lot of the damage) so food supplies can't get up here, shelves are bare in the shops.  Even though we have Malanda Milk in the next town milk was in short supply as they had no power to process it.
We've had thunder storms every afternoon, but we've not had the rain that was predicted with it.  Its just started now, I have to get into town to visit my neighbour, I forgot to take him his razor yesterday - though the nurses do a good job of shaving him he's rather do it himself.  I'll quickly rush into IGA after and see if there is any bread and milk.  All my bread has gone mouldy. 
I've been trying to get the garden tidied up, put back the pots and baskets that I had put in the shed. Some windows still have tape on them..........something tells me not to bother though that perhaps another cyclone or bad storm is coming over the next few weeks.  Its a strange feeling, I don't like it, its like waiting for something big to happen.  I've been ignoring my intuition recently when I should have been listening to it.  But at least we will be prepared if anything else does happen.

Jan

the trouble with Cyclones......

As the world will now know the north of queensland is waiting for a horrendous cyclone to hit land. Its known as Yasi and will be the worst one ever to hit.  Here on the Tablelands we won't get it as bad as the coastal areas but it will still be bad.  The last two days have been spend preparing - chopping trees, taping windows, making sure everything that can be tied down is and moving things that could become missiles. They estimate that the winds will be nearly 300 klms an hour.  Pretty scary.  I have not only had my own house to sort out but neighbours as well on both sides, one couple is in hospital and another lives away.  I was working on my own for the most of it with the boys coming in to do the heavy stuff. 
But as the title says the trouble with cyclones - well the trouble with cyclones is once the prep is done all you have to do is sit and wait, listening for that train roar of wind bearing down, the sounds of splintering wood and crashing and cracking all around.   Tjey are keeping us all updated on the tele about the different areas and how they will be affected but when you see what is happening and then realise that you will have to go through that shortly is terrifying.  I have my youngest son here with me now, he managed to get up the range before they closed it off.  I also have my dog and the neighbours dog.  So we are going to hunker down in the bathroom as its windows are the smallest.  The news has just said that it will go down to a category 3 once it reaches us but a 5 when it hits the coast.
My sis in law was mandatory evacuated yesterday to higher ground and most of cairns are hiding out in shopping malls and sports centres.  The hospitals in cairns have air lifted out patients to Brisbane.
So now we wait and hope that by daylight tomorrow we will be picking up the pieces and remaking all our lives.  I hope that my roof holds, I am expecting the shed roof to go and a few trees and perhaps the verandah roof.
These adverse weather conditions are becoming more and more usual.  I think how we think will be changed, our values and what matters to us the most will be most important.
Well enough waffling the winds are getting stronger and the power is flickering.  Think of me and mine and all of the far north of q'land, keep everything crossed for us and put us in your prayers.

Jan

Things that are sent to try us.....

Everytime I seem to get anywhere in my life, when life has finaly settled down to an even pace, there is alway something that comes along to send everything flying. 
Two major family upheavals this month, bombshells dropped. Okay I can cope with that, I have to stand back and let family members deal with their own problems....I cannot fix everything and I have to do this for their sakes and mine.  Work.....don't get anything for weeks and then its full on, this includes my dolls. They are selling like hotcakes.
Neighbours.......both taken into hospital, now this is where I can't stand back, their family is not close and they need someone to look after the house and their dog.  So I'm rushing back and forth between the hospital, their house and my house.  I can't have their dog at my house because my little horror wants to fight her all the time despite them always playing together when the neighbours dog was a puppy.
The upside is that I've lost a kilo with all the running around.  My goal for this quarter was to lose 15 kg in 12 weeks.  I need to lose more but I'm doing it slowly.  I've upped my exercise regime, I did include rope skipping but that was just to painful, too many jiggly bits.  I'm walking more - including walking up and down with a push mower through long grass and despite really really not wanting to I am going to start doing Yoga.

Excitement last week when a friend and I went to the big city for some r.t.   We decided to go up to Port. The rain poured down on the coast road and it continued to pour.  Going back the inland way we hit flooding.  Being brave we decided to chance it over a flooded creek and very nearly go washed away, it didn't look like the bridge was over by much but halfway over it got very scary, we were following a ute towing a trailer full of kayaks (how ironic) and he started to get into a bit of trouble.  The road dipped down and the water got deeper and we really didn't think we were going to make it, but the angels must have been getting their feet wet pushing us through that water. I think if we both had have got out of the car when we got to dry land we would have collapsed with our legs turning to jelly.
We hit a few more creek bridges that were over but only just as we could still see the road under the water, still scary though.  All the time we were thinking of the floods down south and how a few people had lost their lives through trying to get across flooded bridges.
We will never ever in a million years do that again.

Better get off and go to the hospital, hopefully the doc can tell us more.

Jan

PS: Just got back from the hospital, my neighbour had tried to sit up in bed to go for a pee and fell over hitting his head on the metal cabinet by the bed. He's got more tests today, he has fibromyalgia and bad atheritus, diabetes and a bad heart so he really doesn't want anything else. He's very weak and confused. His wife has dementia and they think she has had another stroke.   I actually got some sense out of her this morning which is more than the poor nurses or Al did. 
I'm going to attempt finishing off my lawns today and make a start on my neighbours lawns.
Hopefully all these extra kilo's will start falling off me.

What doesn't break us will only make us stronger - gotta keep telling myself that

Time

I had a little epiphany this morning.  Time.  How much I hate being ruled by it and how I fight it.  I buy diaries and calendars, start off really well with them and by the end of February they lay forgotten.  I am forever forgetting things, mainly because I don't look at my diary, i go to appointments on wrong days and if I actually get the date and time right its only beacuase I made a conscious effort to remember - big notes on the fridge, memo alarm on my phone and puter, friends phoning me up to remind me.
A friend is picking me up in 30 mins to go out for the day shopping. Am I getting ready, NO, i'm waffling on about how much I hate TIME.  Now this fights with my inner control freak.  Luckily she is being sat on by my inner neat freak. Its being controlled I hate, yet  when the INF is around every minute is counted and controlled.  I don't wear a watch (I do have one but its and two others are laying in a dusty pile requiring new batteries  - the watches require batteries not the dusty pile).  I force myself to write things in a diary, this is where having an inner control freak comes in handy, she's the one that writes the lists on the fridge door and in my bag. 
I will not let my life be governed by TIME. I will do things in my TIME and my time runs slow.
Unfortunately time went quick this morning and I now have to run around like a headless chook to get ready for my day out in the big city. 

Jan

easters on its way

I cannot believe it,  yesterday a friend came over for coffee and brought Hot Cross Buns. Woolies have Hot Cross Buns in already. 

I had a reasonable sleep last night, not like the night before where I itched and scratched the night away.  A friend said it could be something in the water since all the flooding, extra chemicals to keep it clean I suppose.  So last night I went to bed unshowered.  Good job I sleep alone LOL.  No itching. So maybe I might pop into the council offices tomorrow and check with them.  I'll shower tonight and see whats happens overnight.  I had rather a rude awakening this morning. After being manoevered to the other side of the bed by the dog I slept good then woke to the sound of mowers and whipper snippers and the birds giving it their all. I rolled over and suddenly realised there wasn't any bed behind me, I managed to throw myself back on the bed.
BigW had a sale on and my dear friend bought me a big beautiful soft bath sheet, purple.
So I'm going to nip off now and jump in the shower and then wrap myself in my new big fluffy towel - simple pleasures.

Day 4 of a bright new year

We got the rains about 5 mins after I went and started up the mower for the second time. I was attempting to do a straight line. As we have no fences up between the properties it makes it difficult. I usually start off from the back fence line post and aim for a trellis that is on the fence line half way down the gardens. I think I do alright and then when I look back I see this very wavy line - and thats when I'm sober.  The rains came down all of a sudden - the washing, oh no it will be nearly dry. The mower and I rush to the washing which is in front of the shed, i turn off the mower and throw open the shed door with one hand while stretching out with the other to grab stuff off the line. The wind slams the shed door shut just as I am pushing the mower in, I then realise the mower is still going, its jammed in the on position.  One more attempt to get the mower and washing both in at the same time, I stretch out one leg to keep the door open while i push the mower in, a huge gust of wind comes and blows the Hills hoist around while I am still holding on to a doona cover.  I am quite sure I heard tittering and giggling from further down the back gardens.  Exit one mad woman muttering under her breath about the universe conspiring against her.

I did achieve a lot yesterday, i managed to get some crocheting in as well.  Attempting to do either a dragon or a dinasaur.  At first it was going to be a dragon, then I pulled it back and its now a dinasaur, not sure what sort.  An amigurumisaurus probably.  I am writing the pattern down as I go, not like before where I was too motivated to write anything down and just ploughed straight ahead. I just had to do it, hook flying, no time to write.

But now I am organised and I mean to go on that way (famous last words I know, but this time I mean them - honest).

With this lingering chest infection I have not been eating properly, food tastes like cardboard.  So my cupboards are still well stocked, the little freezer is full of frozen veggies and meat and I have a few tins of stuff.  This means that I really don't need to shop for a while except for probably bread,  milk and eggs. I only go through 2 1/2 litres of milk a week at the most and maybe one loaf of bread.  My challenge for myself is to not go food shopping unless I really need to for the whole month of January.  I have two big bills coming up and I need to put petrol in the car and thats about it. 

I get to go into town this morning to see my job network advisor, I'll do what I can while I am in town, get my walk in, stock up on some craft supplies, check out the op-shops for some china plates with pretty designs on, visit the library and stock up on books and pootle off home for coffee with a friend.  The dog still needs to be washed and I have to iron and then vacumn.  Busy, busy day.

jan

Clearing out......

Day three of the new year and I have tried to do something each day so that when the end of the day is on me I can sit back and actually see that I achieved something. The files caught my attention.  So here I sit surrounded by old letters, bills and receipts, warranties for things no longer in my possession and old envelopes.  Two bags of paper ready for the fire. 

The sun is shining at last, so I've done a load of washing and the dog is going to get a flea bath.  I'm even considering starting up the mower.  Even if I just do around the house it will be an achievement, ripping a few weeds out on the way, sweep up some leaves and trim a few bushes..............getting carried away with myself there.  But thats what seeing the sun does for you after seemingly weeks of grey skies and drizzle. 

Well two hours later, the washing is blowing in the wind and part of the lawn is mowed and a whole heap of weeds and grass pulled out from around the raised veggie plot.  I've had my lunch and I'm just about to pounce on the dog or I might just go and do a bit more mowing.  It will probably be raining in an hour. We get the monsoon rains in the afternoons.

Jan

This year I will be pondering on this quote before I purchase, feel or think anything.  I will be looking at what I have in my life now and what I would like in my life.  Do the things I have in my life make me happy............Yes, they do.  For the past year the op-shops have benefited from me disposing of all the material things in my life that no longer gave me joy.

Friends , well, my friends are probably one of the most precious things in my life and they make me very happy.  Everyone of them is unique and they each bring their own specialness to my life.

Family, I love my family.  My sons, daughter-in-law and my wonderful little grandgirls. Sometimes they turn up when I'm not really in the mood for them, but my mood is always lifted by the time they leave.

My creativity.  This gives me great joy.  Though at the moment my joy is slightly diminished because of a block.  I am sure though that that tiny spark that is still there will not go out and blaze fiercely once again.

My spirituality.  I do not follow any organised religions.  I worship where I stand at any particular moment.  I feel the grace of God all around me, be it in the frozen food aisle of Coles or a misty morning by the lake.  I believe in the laws of attraction and the golden rule.

MY home.  Its not perfect but it protects and provides a warm, safe, welcoming environment for all that visit.  I am happy with everything in it and if I am not then I try to improve or remove.  It gives me joy.

Me.  Heres the deal breaker.  I'm daggy, saggy and baggy, frumpy, greying, bulging, stuck in a rut.  Thats what I am unhappy with - ME.  So do I remove or improve.  Well since the angels are not ready to remove me just yet I guess I'd better improve.
I used to think I was happy being who I am - funny, a good friend, caring, honest, faithful etc etc etc, but there is always something holding me back. Yes, I am overweight but it really hasn't stopped me from doing anything I have wanted to do. If I really wanted to throw myself out of a plane then I wouldn't have let my weight stop me. 
How will I improve ME.

1.  Lose some weight - I lost 4 kgs  before christmas, I haven't overeaten but those kg's and two extra ones have appeared on the scales.  I haven't been doing the same amount of walking I used to do though due to a numb foot and pains in my leg.  Waiting to see a doctor over that.  So on the good days I will try and walk a little more, maybe eat slightly less. 

2.  Get my greying, frizzy, long hair sorted. 18 months ago I had a really nice cut, the best one ever, it was easy to manage and my hair looked good.  I felt good.  Time to feel that way again I think.

3.  My clothes.  If I find something that is comfortable I wear it to death.  I hate buying new stuff. I always shop at op-shops or sales.  So, I'm going to go out once a month and buy something NEW and pretty and something that makes me happy. 

These three things are enough to get me started. I am not going to stress over the weeks when I lose nothing, I am not going to stress over my hair or my clothes. I am not going to stress over LACK.                                                                                                       

 I am happy with my lot in life.  I choose to live my life  in joy and gratitude.

Jan

So I changed my mind.......

OKay so maybe it is a bit premature for Easter.  I was playing around with photo's and thought a section of a china plate would look nice.  It'll do for now.

Yesterday I didn't get out of my baggy daggy sleeping t-shirt, I thought perhaps now would be a good time to though.  Start the year as you mean to go on........daggy and laid back without a care in the world.

I cleared out my files in my emails.  Got rid of lots of junk I no longer need in there.  1000 emails I had been saving in some file or another. Of course it took twice as long cos I had to read some on them.  Right back to 2006. Boy was I young and naive then HA HA HA, I wish. I'd have to go back to before 1970 for that.

I need inspiration, my creativity is well and truly stuck, I need to do 6 dolls pretty soon for a friends  window display. 

I'm also stuck over wether I should start doing the markets, dragging myself out of bed early is no problem, its the motivation I need to commit and following through.  Its the same with the magazines - I just can't get the motivation to follow through with my ideas.

My ideal life would be to have enough money to not worry about the bills and to live comfortably, not to have to worry about centrelink ruling my life, to be able to do what I want, when I want and to not have to worry about anyone else but myself and to do what I love doing.  I seem to be waiting for something to happen all the time. I'm in limbo with everything in my life.  I know I should use this quiet time to reflect and go within, meditate and heal but even that side of my life is in Limbo. 

Lunch time, left over ham salad I think with crusty bread and then get out of this towel and get dressed.

Jan